Saturday, January 03, 2009


So the other night, after an evening of "light snacks" with friends turned into an all out junk-fest (I blame Amber. She brought the cheese ball. And the punch. And the eclairs. And the lil' smokies. And we all know there's just no stopping the lil' smokies.), Coach commented that our New Year's resolutions were not off to a very good start. With some dismay, Jason (husband of Amber the Saboteur) asked, "You guys make New Year's resolutions?"

The conversation veered in another direction or a child fell off a chair or something, because I don't think we ever got back to Jason's question. Or the next question, which surely would have followed: Why was Jason so surprised? Because we're so perfect in every way that any effort at self improvement is unnecessary? Or because we're so lazy in every way that any effort at self improvement is futile? I have my suspicions, but only Jason can say for sure.

Either way, I feel compelled to state unequivocally that we here at Meaty Chunks do have resolutions for 2009. And here they come.


Resolution Number 1: For the Reduction of Household Chunkiness

WHEREAS The Head of Human Resources ("Malcom") for the family entity known as Meaty Chunks, Inc. ("The Family") gained three pounds between yearly visits to the veterinarian; and

WHEREAS Malcom's weight gain was not due to extreme pre-haircut fuzziness as the Female Parental Leader ("Boss") suspected (see exhibit A below); and

WHEREAS The veterinarian said that this increase was "not good;" and

WHEREAS Boss did not ask but is pretty sure that if you multiply that three pounds by ten and put it on a human over a period of 18 months, that weight gain is also "not good;" and

WHEREAS Boss's favorite jeans, which used to be comfortable, no longer allow allow an acceptable range of full and necessary motion; and

WHEREAS They're not particularly flattering either; therefore be it

RESOLVED That The Family will hereby halt its steady increase in chunkiness; and also be it

RESOLVED That Boss will decrease chunkiness in proportion to meatiness.

Exhibit A

Resolution Number 2: For the Reduction of Household Tardiness

WHEREAS The Male Child ("Sam") attends school weekday mornings; and

WHEREAS Sam loves school but is not a morning person; and

WHEREAS Boss can't say she's much of a morning person either, but

WHEREAS school is important, even the Pre-K kind; and

WHEREAS Catching the bus is more trouble than it's worth in the winter when the schedule is erratic and the wind is cold; and

WHEREAS When Boss drives Sam to school she must also walk him to his classroom; and

WHEREAS The Female Child ("Grace") must come too; and

WHEREAS If Sam is not in his classroom on time he misses breakfast; and

WHEREAS The front doors to the school are closed and locked when the morning bell rings; and

WHEREAS Children who are tardy must ring a buzzer at the side door and wait to be let into the building and then go to the office and get a tardy slip for the teachers to ignore and discard; and

WHEREAS the office ladies scold and lecture students who enter the building at the same time as The Family; and

WHEREAS they never say anything to Boss but do look at her sternly to suggest that she is a bad bad bad mom; therefore be it

RESOLVED that Boss will get Sam to school on time; and let it be also

RESOLVED that Boss will acknowledge her responsibility to leave the house with time to spare to allow for inevitable delays including by not limited to: belligerent toddlers, bloody noses, runaway dogs, inoperable vehicles, diaper blow-outs, and snowy driveways.

The above Resolutions shall take effect immediately. The provisions of these Resolutions shall be severable, and if any portion is declared by the Department of Human Resources to be contrary to the Bylaws of Meaty Chunks Inc., ("the bylaws"), the validity of the remainder of these Resolutions shall not be affected thereby.


Of course, like most instruments of bureaucratic change, the above resolutions say little about implementation. But don't worry! I have a plan! I'm going to wake up earlier every morning, thus allowing myself plenty of time to exercise and then get Sam up and out the door.

And that's it. All of our problems solved on our pathway to prompt, skinny bliss. And from there, we're pretty much perfect. Right, Jason? Right?

I thought so.