Sunday, May 24, 2009

Gimme a squeeze, honey bear

For the past several weeks I've been taking Grace to story time at our local branch library. She loves it. She's the youngest regular attendee, and the more mature 3 and 4-year-olds dote on her like little grandmothers. They hold her hands, help her into her chair, pat her back, play with her hair and talk to her in imitation baby-talk. They're pretty cute.

But the best storytime grandmother is actually an aunt: Aunt Honey Bunny. She brings Josh (the only boy in the group) every week. And every week she has a new delicious treat to share with the kids (and parents). Last week it was hand-made chocolate lollipop ducks. My favorite!

I assume that "Honey Bunny" is not Aunt Honey Bunny's given name, but that's what everyone --library staff included-- calls her. I've thought about asking her real name, but that would wreck the charm. I'd still eat a chocolate lollipop duck from Aunt Mildred or Aunt Hortense, of course, but I'm not sure I'd let Grace have one.

And Grace deserves all the chocolate lollipop ducks she can get. And they shouldn't come from strangers. They should come from YOU! The unchallenged favorite! The envy of aunts and uncles around the globe! Yes, you there, with the catchy avuncular* moniker!

Are you the one? Perhaps. Prove it by submitting your proposed nickname below. The winner will receive a chocolate lollipop duck. And also the privilege of choosing his/her own appellation. Instead of one assigned by me.

Good luck, Uncle Chunky Monkey.

*I'm not trying to be sexist here. It's just that avantular is not a word. Take it up Merriam Webster.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

You have questions, I have answers

Q: All the cool kids are doing it? Isn't that a bit of an exaggeration?
A: Well, yes. I do know a few cool kids who are not, at present, knocked up. But I wouldn't be surprised if they are soon. Cause, seriously, it's an epidemic.

Q: Not to be all nitpicky, but I think you're still exaggerating.
A: You do realize that's not a question, right?

Q: Well, what I mean is, not only are there lots of very cool women who are not pregnant, there are MEN! And they're not pregnant either!
A: Still not a question, but I'll go ahead and answer anyway. Yes, there are lots of very cool women who are not pregnant. And I apologize for any undue pressure I may have put on said cool women to become pregnant. But cool MEN? I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.

Q: All right. Moving on then. So, when are you due?
A: The first week of November. I can't be more specific than that, because keeping track of dates and numbers is more than my addled brain can handle at the moment.

Q: Are you sick?
A: Yep. It's oddly worst in the evenings, which turns out to be pretty convenient because I can make Coach take care the kids while I relax with Judge Judy and a popsicle.

Q: Do you really watch Judge Judy?
A: Yes. And I really don't understand why you don't. That woman is hilarious and terrifying at the same time. I can't think of a single reality show that wouldn't be better with her at the helm. The Apprentice? Finally someone with the guts to fire Donald Trump and his stupid toupee. Supernanny? Naughty kids would put themselves into time out just to escape her scornful glare. And imagine her as a judge on American Idol, or better yet, America's Next Top Model. Can't you just see a the next generation of waifs and popstars sporting lace collars?

Q: Speaking of lace collars, are you hoping for a boy or a girl?
A: Either one. Just not both.

Q: Is that a dollar store pregnancy test?
A: Of course.

Q: What made you take the test? Grumpy? Tired? Just felt a whim?
A: All of the above. Actually, contrary to my usual practice, I did not have a pregnancy test on hand when it first occurred to me that it was time to pee in a cup. So I had to make a special trip to the dollar store to get one. Only, they were out, and Grace was tired of running errands. So I just went on speculating for another couple days, still feeling alternately grumpy, tired and whimish. Finally, I went to a Dollar Tree and bought three. (Do you know they keep them behind the counter now, so you have to ask for them? Apparently there's been a rash of Dollar Store pregnancy test thefts!) But it didn't take three tests to convince me (so I've still got two more in my cupboard if anyone needs them), because those two little lines showed up pretty quickly and clearly. (And because I puked my guts up while I waited for the results.) I realize this is more information regarding the mechanics of acquisition and use of a pregnancy test than anyone could possibly be interested in, so I'll just move on to the next question (which, unfortunately for you, is still on a related topic).

Q: What did Coach say when you told him.
A: "Yay!!! :-)" This is a direct quote, copied from the e-mail he sent in response to the e-mail I sent with this picture.

Q: You used e-mail to tell your husband you were pregnant? What kind of cold, unceremonious barbarian are you?
A: The worst kind. We do a lot of communication via e-mail actually. It's how we keep track of little bits of information we keep meaning to tell each other but never get around to bringing up in conversation.

Q: "Little bits of information"!?! You are a barbarian!
A: I'm not disputing that. But in my own defense, when I found out that I was pregnant Coach happened to be on a two-week business trip. E-mail just made sense.

Q: Oh, alright then. I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the news of your other pregnancies was delivered in a more direct and forthright manner.
A: Of course. When I found out I was pregnant with Sam I told Coach in person. (After waiting outside the bathroom door for 20 minutes while he finished reading his new Dell catalog. (It was a really great Dell catalog. (But he was so excited about the news, he put it down to celebrate with me.)))

Q: I see. And Grace?
A: I left the positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter for him to find when he came home from work. It was hard not to drop any hints, but I kept my cool. It wasn't until he'd been home a couple hours and I KNEW he'd been in the bathroom, that I couldn't contain myself any longer. I asked him what he thought, and he's all "about what?" He hadn't noticed the pregnancy test (despite the fact that I'd cleared all the usual bathroom clutter from the counter so that it had prime positioning). But he certainly was happy when I pointed it out to him.

Q: Are you still typing? How long is this story? Aren't you finished?
A: Almost. I'll just get to the point, which is that given our history, electronic communication is not such a bad way for Coach and me to go. And frankly, I'm a little puzzled by couples who don't e-mail each other frequently. And the ones who share an e-mail address? It's bizarre! Almost weirder than people who don't watch Judge Judy. Why? Why? Why do they do it?

Q: Hey, I'm the one asking the questions here.
A: Oh yeah.