Saturday, January 03, 2009


So the other night, after an evening of "light snacks" with friends turned into an all out junk-fest (I blame Amber. She brought the cheese ball. And the punch. And the eclairs. And the lil' smokies. And we all know there's just no stopping the lil' smokies.), Coach commented that our New Year's resolutions were not off to a very good start. With some dismay, Jason (husband of Amber the Saboteur) asked, "You guys make New Year's resolutions?"

The conversation veered in another direction or a child fell off a chair or something, because I don't think we ever got back to Jason's question. Or the next question, which surely would have followed: Why was Jason so surprised? Because we're so perfect in every way that any effort at self improvement is unnecessary? Or because we're so lazy in every way that any effort at self improvement is futile? I have my suspicions, but only Jason can say for sure.

Either way, I feel compelled to state unequivocally that we here at Meaty Chunks do have resolutions for 2009. And here they come.


Resolution Number 1: For the Reduction of Household Chunkiness

WHEREAS The Head of Human Resources ("Malcom") for the family entity known as Meaty Chunks, Inc. ("The Family") gained three pounds between yearly visits to the veterinarian; and

WHEREAS Malcom's weight gain was not due to extreme pre-haircut fuzziness as the Female Parental Leader ("Boss") suspected (see exhibit A below); and

WHEREAS The veterinarian said that this increase was "not good;" and

WHEREAS Boss did not ask but is pretty sure that if you multiply that three pounds by ten and put it on a human over a period of 18 months, that weight gain is also "not good;" and

WHEREAS Boss's favorite jeans, which used to be comfortable, no longer allow allow an acceptable range of full and necessary motion; and

WHEREAS They're not particularly flattering either; therefore be it

RESOLVED That The Family will hereby halt its steady increase in chunkiness; and also be it

RESOLVED That Boss will decrease chunkiness in proportion to meatiness.

Exhibit A

Resolution Number 2: For the Reduction of Household Tardiness

WHEREAS The Male Child ("Sam") attends school weekday mornings; and

WHEREAS Sam loves school but is not a morning person; and

WHEREAS Boss can't say she's much of a morning person either, but

WHEREAS school is important, even the Pre-K kind; and

WHEREAS Catching the bus is more trouble than it's worth in the winter when the schedule is erratic and the wind is cold; and

WHEREAS When Boss drives Sam to school she must also walk him to his classroom; and

WHEREAS The Female Child ("Grace") must come too; and

WHEREAS If Sam is not in his classroom on time he misses breakfast; and

WHEREAS The front doors to the school are closed and locked when the morning bell rings; and

WHEREAS Children who are tardy must ring a buzzer at the side door and wait to be let into the building and then go to the office and get a tardy slip for the teachers to ignore and discard; and

WHEREAS the office ladies scold and lecture students who enter the building at the same time as The Family; and

WHEREAS they never say anything to Boss but do look at her sternly to suggest that she is a bad bad bad mom; therefore be it

RESOLVED that Boss will get Sam to school on time; and let it be also

RESOLVED that Boss will acknowledge her responsibility to leave the house with time to spare to allow for inevitable delays including by not limited to: belligerent toddlers, bloody noses, runaway dogs, inoperable vehicles, diaper blow-outs, and snowy driveways.

The above Resolutions shall take effect immediately. The provisions of these Resolutions shall be severable, and if any portion is declared by the Department of Human Resources to be contrary to the Bylaws of Meaty Chunks Inc., ("the bylaws"), the validity of the remainder of these Resolutions shall not be affected thereby.


Of course, like most instruments of bureaucratic change, the above resolutions say little about implementation. But don't worry! I have a plan! I'm going to wake up earlier every morning, thus allowing myself plenty of time to exercise and then get Sam up and out the door.

And that's it. All of our problems solved on our pathway to prompt, skinny bliss. And from there, we're pretty much perfect. Right, Jason? Right?

I thought so.


Ree said...

If you ask me, Malcom actually looks skinny without all the fuzzy. I'm impressed that you have given your goals so much thought as to put them into legalese. Or is that bureaucratese? Sounds like your off to a great start!

Stephanie said... you come! Although I really like you guys the way you are!

Javich said...

WHEREAS there are a number of people in our family unit that could benefit from a reduction in chunkiness, it is hereby

PROPOSED that we hold a family "biggest loser" type competition with a yet to be determined special prize for the winnner, um, I mean The Biggest Loser.

WHEREAS this is a serious proposal, it is

PROPOSED that feedback is given.

Perhaps I'll do a post on my blog proposing this and asking who is in.

Natalie said...

Hilarious! I mean you are practically perfect in every way so of course you're hilarious.

Daisy said...

I think that's one attractive Head of HR. Maybe we all just need a nice shave to slim up.

Lady said...

Boss - You are such an enjoyable read.... and a great inspiration. I am now contemplating my resolutions for the year.

Princess Gerty said...

Way to go! I could use some resolutions like that... and can I talk to your translation department to get them put into legalese?

Coach said...

Ree, the trick is that the photos are not actually current. Back when HR director Malcom was that svelte, we lived in Iowa.

He'd probably be a lot skinnier if he'd ever exercise. I mean, why doesn't he go on walks more often? Lazy.

Amber said...

WHEREAS I cannot speak for my husband but only on my behalf, let it be known that I WAS HUNGRY and SO WERE THE TWINS!

j/k - who can help themselves when all the yumminess of a new year is put forth? All previous tallies are back at zero, (zero weight gained, zero weight lost...) So it's a perfect time to start the tallying :) and since I'm trying to tally on the gain scale I just assumed that everyone else was too.

P.S. I don't remember there being coconut pie but the pieces you sent home with us days after the gorgefest were quite yummy.

B said...

OK funny girl, can you sign me up for the de-chunking blog?

Plus as always you are hilarious!

Tara said...

Did you go to law school? Those are both 2 of my resloutions and they are really hard ones! I hope you've done better than I have.

mj jolley said...

Hello Family!! You have to check out the fish you gave us before you moved from Iowa City! I swear they are the same ones! :)

glad to hear you are doing so well! loves, jolleys

The Conductor said...

Hello, Boss and Coach! We are so sad we've now left Buffalo for good and never got together with you one last time... (Please let us know if you're ever in the Chicago area, okay?) I just had to tell you that I get such a kick out of your posts -- I really need to come visit your blog more often. What a riot!