Sunday, March 25, 2007

Fifty pounds of poop

Warning: The following post is about fifty pounds of poop.

The poop situation around here has gotten a little out of hand. Here's the trouble: Coach and I are the only family members who consistently make deposits in the toilet. Sam and Grace just poop whenever and wherever they want, as if there's some magical poop repository waiting to catch whatever they have to deposit. (Which there is. However, said repositories must be removed and replaced on a fairly frequent basis.) So that still leaves us with the problem of poop disposal. Between the two diaper pails, we cart away a large kitchen-sized trash bag each week. Add in the outdoor deposits left by the four-legged member of our family, bless his fuzzy heart, (This week's load was particularly large because the snow melted. And guess what I found underneath?) and I have trouble hefting the, uh, schload, into the dumpster. Which brings us to our fifty pounds of poop. I'm not kidding. Fifty. Pounds. Of. Poop.*

I'm worried because I've noticed that as the creatures have grown, so has their output. This poop mountain could reach dangerous proportions. So I've decided: The excremental growth stops here.

I'm not sure yet how I'm going to execute this plan. If Malcom were a cat I'd give this a try. But he'd probably just eat the kitty litter. And then ask to be let outside (to poop). Grace is off the hook because they don't make newborn sized pullups. As for Sam, after several months of "pre" potty training, we still haven't made much progress. I don't know why. I checked out a bunch of helpful books from the library (and returned them unread). I let him pick out his own underpants (and then shoved them in his sock drawer**). I bought a potty seat (and left it in the downstairs bathroom we never use). I keep thinking one of these babies would solve all our problems (Who could resist pooping in a potty so cute?), but our lease prohibits major plumbing installations.


So. So this is where you leave all your best potty training tips. I don't care if Sam ends up with excessive compassion for his poopers. Or if he insists on wearing high heels while he does the deed. I just want him out of diapers. Otherwise, I just know I'll end in the emergency room with something broken or torn or ruptured. And on the chart, next to "cause of injury" the smirking intern will write "giant bag of crap."

*I might be kidding a little bit, because I never actually weighed it or anything. But it was really heavy.
**Yesterday Sam actually pulled the package of new underpants out of the drawer and said "Wanna wear these socks today."

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


I realize the Internet has been on pause waiting with baited breath for the big news of when Grace Haiku would roll over for the first time. Well, the time has arrived! At 31 days old, little Miss Grace Haiku impressed us with her precocious physical prowess.

That's all I have for the press at this time.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

28 Days

Grace is one month old today. There's a lot I want to say about her first four weeks. But for some reason, this morning's photos leave me speechless.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Get out your garlic necklaces folks

I went outside yesterday morning. Although I haven't been entirely homebound since Grace's birth, it's been a while since I've ventured out before noon. (OK, I'll be honest: 4:00 PM.) So I was surprised to discover the sunlight burned my eyes. By the time I reached my destination (the garage) I was teary and disoriented. The sensation was so intense, I completely forgot what I'd gone outside to look for. So I shielded my face with my empty hands, and ran back to the dark comfort of my living room.

Now, I don't want to alarm anyone. I haven't seen a single scientific study that links childbirth to vampiracy. But I think it's time more research is done. And in the meantime, you might want to watch your backs. And you necks.