Sunday, May 03, 2009

You have questions, I have answers

Q: All the cool kids are doing it? Isn't that a bit of an exaggeration?
A: Well, yes. I do know a few cool kids who are not, at present, knocked up. But I wouldn't be surprised if they are soon. Cause, seriously, it's an epidemic.

Q: Not to be all nitpicky, but I think you're still exaggerating.
A: You do realize that's not a question, right?

Q: Well, what I mean is, not only are there lots of very cool women who are not pregnant, there are MEN! And they're not pregnant either!
A: Still not a question, but I'll go ahead and answer anyway. Yes, there are lots of very cool women who are not pregnant. And I apologize for any undue pressure I may have put on said cool women to become pregnant. But cool MEN? I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.

Q: All right. Moving on then. So, when are you due?
A: The first week of November. I can't be more specific than that, because keeping track of dates and numbers is more than my addled brain can handle at the moment.

Q: Are you sick?
A: Yep. It's oddly worst in the evenings, which turns out to be pretty convenient because I can make Coach take care the kids while I relax with Judge Judy and a popsicle.

Q: Do you really watch Judge Judy?
A: Yes. And I really don't understand why you don't. That woman is hilarious and terrifying at the same time. I can't think of a single reality show that wouldn't be better with her at the helm. The Apprentice? Finally someone with the guts to fire Donald Trump and his stupid toupee. Supernanny? Naughty kids would put themselves into time out just to escape her scornful glare. And imagine her as a judge on American Idol, or better yet, America's Next Top Model. Can't you just see a the next generation of waifs and popstars sporting lace collars?

Q: Speaking of lace collars, are you hoping for a boy or a girl?
A: Either one. Just not both.

Q: Is that a dollar store pregnancy test?
A: Of course.

Q: What made you take the test? Grumpy? Tired? Just felt a whim?
A: All of the above. Actually, contrary to my usual practice, I did not have a pregnancy test on hand when it first occurred to me that it was time to pee in a cup. So I had to make a special trip to the dollar store to get one. Only, they were out, and Grace was tired of running errands. So I just went on speculating for another couple days, still feeling alternately grumpy, tired and whimish. Finally, I went to a Dollar Tree and bought three. (Do you know they keep them behind the counter now, so you have to ask for them? Apparently there's been a rash of Dollar Store pregnancy test thefts!) But it didn't take three tests to convince me (so I've still got two more in my cupboard if anyone needs them), because those two little lines showed up pretty quickly and clearly. (And because I puked my guts up while I waited for the results.) I realize this is more information regarding the mechanics of acquisition and use of a pregnancy test than anyone could possibly be interested in, so I'll just move on to the next question (which, unfortunately for you, is still on a related topic).

Q: What did Coach say when you told him.
A: "Yay!!! :-)" This is a direct quote, copied from the e-mail he sent in response to the e-mail I sent with this picture.

Q: You used e-mail to tell your husband you were pregnant? What kind of cold, unceremonious barbarian are you?
A: The worst kind. We do a lot of communication via e-mail actually. It's how we keep track of little bits of information we keep meaning to tell each other but never get around to bringing up in conversation.

Q: "Little bits of information"!?! You are a barbarian!
A: I'm not disputing that. But in my own defense, when I found out that I was pregnant Coach happened to be on a two-week business trip. E-mail just made sense.

Q: Oh, alright then. I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the news of your other pregnancies was delivered in a more direct and forthright manner.
A: Of course. When I found out I was pregnant with Sam I told Coach in person. (After waiting outside the bathroom door for 20 minutes while he finished reading his new Dell catalog. (It was a really great Dell catalog. (But he was so excited about the news, he put it down to celebrate with me.)))

Q: I see. And Grace?
A: I left the positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter for him to find when he came home from work. It was hard not to drop any hints, but I kept my cool. It wasn't until he'd been home a couple hours and I KNEW he'd been in the bathroom, that I couldn't contain myself any longer. I asked him what he thought, and he's all "about what?" He hadn't noticed the pregnancy test (despite the fact that I'd cleared all the usual bathroom clutter from the counter so that it had prime positioning). But he certainly was happy when I pointed it out to him.

Q: Are you still typing? How long is this story? Aren't you finished?
A: Almost. I'll just get to the point, which is that given our history, electronic communication is not such a bad way for Coach and me to go. And frankly, I'm a little puzzled by couples who don't e-mail each other frequently. And the ones who share an e-mail address? It's bizarre! Almost weirder than people who don't watch Judge Judy. Why? Why? Why do they do it?

Q: Hey, I'm the one asking the questions here.
A: Oh yeah.


Ben said...

But in my own defense, when I found out that I was pregnant Coach happened to be on a two-week business trip.I see. How far into this two-week business trip was he and what else besides little bits of information do you communicate electronically. Hmmmm?

And the ones who share an e-mail address? It's bizarre! Almost weirder than people who don't watch Judge Judy. Amen.

Natalie said...

Hmmm... I'll have to check out Judge Judy sometime. You convinced me!

LCFrohm said...

Ahhh! I've missed these great posts. Reminds me of the good ol'days!
Thanks for the smile!

Shelley~Maren said...

That was one funny post! Had me giggling the whole way through! And might I say, YAY for November! Early/first week of November too! (Aim for the 3rd, a little birdie told me it's the BEST. DAY. EVER!) :)
Congrats again!

brent and kashann said...

You are really funny! Love the blog!

brent and kashann said...

You are really funny! Love the blog!

Like Mike said...

Aim for the 19th!

Ree said...

2 questions:

1. Who asked all those nosy questions?

2. How does a pregnant woman go about "aiming" for a particular delivery date?

Daisy said...

Boss, you know it's really hard to crack up silently (so as to not wake up my roommate) as I read this in our hotel room. I love the stream of consciousness effect there at the end. Very Catcher in the Rye-esque. I think email is a great way to share information. Actually, it seems like it was more direct than the previous approach.

Daisy said...

Ree, haven't you ever been in a spitting contest? Prepare, aim, go (push). PS, Boss, I don't mind what others might consider too much's all part of sharing the experience, right?

Like Mike said...

So know that you know how to air, Ree. How about you aim for Nov. 19 too? :)

Anonymous said...

No, no, no. In honor of REH+RAH, Ree should shoot for 5/26. In honor of Lioness, Boss should shoot for 11/08. Those are the only sensible goals for you two. Three cheers for Ree. Rah, rah, rah! Three cheers for Boss. Rah, rah, rah! Three cheers for SPH1+SPH2. Rah, rah, rah! RAH!

Princess Gerty said...

Hah hah hah. You crack me up! I am totally surprised you like Judge Judy but that is funny too.

Barbra said...

Well hurray for you guys! And let me just add that even though I'm not supposed to start a sentence with the word "and," I love doing so. And who doesn't love Judge Judy?? I tivo her every single day and watch two back to back episodes when I get home from work. It's the highlight of my day. I agree with her on just about everything.
Moron! You are not even cooked yet!

Stephanie said...

Congratulations! That's awesome! I told Jason of the sex of our baby via I totally get the e-mail thing.
I miss you!

Sowells said...

Owe my stomach hurts from laughing so hard!

abbyjane said...

I did it. I clicked the pee in a cup link.

P.S. I think you should shoot for 10/31. He or she (have I missed that announcement) will get double candy for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. Not a joke.