I don't plan to do this every day. Keeping up with daytime television is YOUR responsibility, and I can't always be picking up the slack for you. But this one time I'll make an exception, because I hate to think of any of my loved ones missing out on the most hilarious courtroom drama ever.
Here's the rundown:
The plaintiff (we'll call him Myron, cause I never get to use the name Myron in real life), sues the defendant, Jezeboob (not her real name), for $5000 to cover the cost of breast implants paid for by Myron on Jezeboob's behalf. Jezeboob, who has since become engaged to someone else, maintains that she and Myron were "just friends" and that Myron paid for the surgery as a gift without, uh, strings attached. For his part, Myron claims that Jezeboob led him on to trick him into paying for her implants.
Onto the scene comes Jezeboob's witness: her new fiance! He decides this courtroom appearance is the perfect opportunity to kneel on the ground and present Jezeboob with a large diamond ring. So romantic. So ridiculous.
With so much drama before him, the Honorable Akim retires to his chambers to deliberate. In the meantime, the courtroom commentator polls the audience. Most respondents agree that Jezeboob's personal enhancements were obtained under false pretenses.
Upon his return, His Honor rules that Jezeboob owes Myron for the cost of her boob job. To facilitate payment, he has his bailiff confiscate the engagement ring just given to Jezeboob by her (now) incredulous fiance. But instead of handing the ring over to Myron, Judge Akim orders that ring be tied to a chicken, which the breast-obsessed plaintiff and defendant must chase. Whoever catches the chicken with the ring gets to keep it. The ring I mean. Oh yeah, and the chicken too.
What follows is probably the most comical two minutes of television ever filmed. The plaintiff and defendant, each in chicken costumes, enter a pen with a couple dozen chickens. They divide their time between tripping/tackling/impeding their human opponent and chasing chickens, who don't particularly want to be caught. There's a lot of pecking and squawking and biting. And the chickens are making quite a stir too.
And then ... when time is almost up ... Myron finds the chicken with the ring and holds it in the air--victorious! Proudly, and without irony, Myron tells the courtroom commentator: "Now I have my money and my dignity back."
Amen, my feathered friend. Amen.