Sunday, March 25, 2007

Fifty pounds of poop

Warning: The following post is about fifty pounds of poop.

The poop situation around here has gotten a little out of hand. Here's the trouble: Coach and I are the only family members who consistently make deposits in the toilet. Sam and Grace just poop whenever and wherever they want, as if there's some magical poop repository waiting to catch whatever they have to deposit. (Which there is. However, said repositories must be removed and replaced on a fairly frequent basis.) So that still leaves us with the problem of poop disposal. Between the two diaper pails, we cart away a large kitchen-sized trash bag each week. Add in the outdoor deposits left by the four-legged member of our family, bless his fuzzy heart, (This week's load was particularly large because the snow melted. And guess what I found underneath?) and I have trouble hefting the, uh, schload, into the dumpster. Which brings us to our fifty pounds of poop. I'm not kidding. Fifty. Pounds. Of. Poop.*

I'm worried because I've noticed that as the creatures have grown, so has their output. This poop mountain could reach dangerous proportions. So I've decided: The excremental growth stops here.

I'm not sure yet how I'm going to execute this plan. If Malcom were a cat I'd give this a try. But he'd probably just eat the kitty litter. And then ask to be let outside (to poop). Grace is off the hook because they don't make newborn sized pullups. As for Sam, after several months of "pre" potty training, we still haven't made much progress. I don't know why. I checked out a bunch of helpful books from the library (and returned them unread). I let him pick out his own underpants (and then shoved them in his sock drawer**). I bought a potty seat (and left it in the downstairs bathroom we never use). I keep thinking one of these babies would solve all our problems (Who could resist pooping in a potty so cute?), but our lease prohibits major plumbing installations.

So.

So. So this is where you leave all your best potty training tips. I don't care if Sam ends up with excessive compassion for his poopers. Or if he insists on wearing high heels while he does the deed. I just want him out of diapers. Otherwise, I just know I'll end in the emergency room with something broken or torn or ruptured. And on the chart, next to "cause of injury" the smirking intern will write "giant bag of crap."





*I might be kidding a little bit, because I never actually weighed it or anything. But it was really heavy.
**Yesterday Sam actually pulled the package of new underpants out of the drawer and said "Wanna wear these socks today."

10 comments:

Tarimisu said...

OH MY GOSH!!!! I am laughing SO HARD. You are truly still just the funniest person I've ever known. As I was reading it, I was thinking, "Woah, this is a whole new Stash Reduction issue they've got going on here." As for tips . . . well, we used a timer, though that gets tedious (taking Noodle every time the timer went off. It seriously takes up your entire day). Give candy every time he goes. (I heard somewhere that Sam really likes candy.) I may have mentioned that with Chicken Nugget, what it took was spending the weekend with a friend who was completely potty-trained. She didn't want to be shown up! But in the end, really . . . just go with the high heels!

Lady said...

What worked for #1 son was a few hours each day,usually late afternoon/early evening I would take all his clothes off from the waist down. I put his little potty chair in the living room and turn on sesame street. He would NOT go on the floor. He would bring me his diaper and ask for it on to which I would reply, no go sit on the potty etc... But with #2 son that didn't work. He would go on the floor. Then he got the potty part down but would poop during nap or bedtime each day when he was in a diaper. I would even hide in his room and catch him in the act and run him to the toilet usually to no avail. I even tried letting him poop standing on the toilet since he always pooped in his diaper while standing up. It took him about 8 extra months to get the poop thing down. I guess each kid is different and you just keep trying til something works. Good luck!

Shana said...

I don't even want to think about how much poop we've carted out of our house in the past eight years but I bet it was a lot. As for potty training--I've always heard you shouldn't worry about potty training boys until they are three because as much as they love their penises, there isn't a very good connection between their brain and their penis until they reach the age of three and even then I'd say it's questionable. BUT. . . three has always been our magic number. We just tell them that when they turn three they have to go tinkle in the potty and wear big boy underpants and when they turn three that's exactly what we do. And thanks to Mark--the consistent one--after about two or three days, they magically are potty trained. But Pull-ups are no good for potty training. We just use them for big boys that haven't quite mastered the middle of the night potty breaks. As for poop, we only start working on that when they get the potty thing mastered. Usually around three and a half we tell them they can't wear a pull-up for that anymore and that they have to start using the potty and we have a big count down to the day and then, they just do it. Although Noah is a whole different story in the poop department (see my October 2005 archive) and required Miralax (one of my very best friends)to straighten him out. But mostly when you are ready, Sam will be ready and as long as you stick to your guns (or rather Sam's underpants) and remain consistent on the issue and what exactly you want him to do--he'll get it and he'll do a great job. Both of you will. Happy pooping and good luck!

Crazy Horse Lady said...

WOW! See, I have A LOT of poop, but mine is outside the house -- 4 dogs, 50 horses...

Although, you're welcome to use our manure spreader anytime. :)

I can teach Peanut to drive the tractor and manure spreader while she's here and she can just drive it over to your place...

Ree said...

Boss, you make me laugh and laugh!

I think potty training goes a little easier if you let the child go naked--or at least bottomless--for a week or so. But this means you will have to be prepared to mop, and probably stay home for a while.

I also agree that pull ups only slow the process. To me they are useful only at night or maybe naptime.

But above all, I think you have to take your cues from your child. This can be frustrating if you are ready and he is not. But it's better to accept that and wait than to make yourself crazy begging, bribing, cajoling...

Good luck!

Sarah Johnson said...

YOU CRACK ME UP! Can you be more funny!? I love your post!
With two of my kids, they were so completely different, that I really feel you cannot force it on a child who is not ready. But, I agree with others that pullups are just a crutch. Wearing underwear, and trying to keep that dry worked better for my kids. It can be really frustrating, though, so I sympathize! My first one took two full years, and still has problems! Best of wishes, and be patient, it WILL get better!

Tarimisu said...

We want more pictures . . . well, I want more pictures at least. No, not of the poop! Of you guys and the kids!!!!!

Anonymous said...

See if they make a face expression right before they do it, that way when you see it you picked them up, pull there pants off and stick him on the training potty.

Joanne said...

Hi Diana. I miss you as much as ever. G turned 4 in July and is still in complete denial over the poop issue. I promise him the world for ONE successful poop trip. Nothing. He will pee in the potty, but scream and kick violently if I catch him "in the process" and rush him over to the potty. I guess he's still not ""ready."" Or am I a pushover? He still wears pull-ups just because I can't handle day after day, week after week of poop accidents, especially away from home. The only thing I haven't tried is punishment for not pooping, but he has dissociated himself from his #2 bodily functions that I'm wondering when it's psychiatrist time.

Boss said...

q1